Down, Down, Up

Hey there

What’s that in your sky?

With all the pretty lights

You think I can get that high?

-opening lyrics, Until I Die, Brandi Carlile (The Story)

I’ve been cooped up inside the house for weeks now. It’s a few days short of a month. Sure, I get to go out when I have to pay my bills or to run to a nearby 7-11 to replenish my stock of coffee—some of my dues I even paid late because I’ve been so swamped with work that I can’t even take half an hour away from my “workstation” during the 9-5 banking hours. It sounds crazy and a bit ridiculous, but that’s how it is. I shouldn’t really be sounding like I’m complaining because I brought this all to myself. I took on more jobs than I can handle, again, and for what? Frankly, to have insurance; to keep back-ups; to feel busy, and by consequence, feel secure in this unpredictable world of freelancing. In the end, I must admit doing things this way is neither profitable nor skill honing.

Forgive a novice freelancer her rants and forgive my bipolarity, because even before I get to finish this post and hit “Publish,” something came in my inbox that made me smile and summarily washed away my current doubts, if not my weariness. I expected to go through phases when I left my job to go solo. Even that phase when I know I’ll feel so alone and—there’s no other word for it—sad.

The good news is, I think I finally have room to breathe and time to re-assess how I handle my scheduling. This weekend I’ll go out to see what the outside world has been up to. These are the times I wish I drive, even with cheap auto insurance, so I can cover more ground comfortably. But then again, what use is a car if I don’t have time to go out and actually drive around? 

Rather timely, I came across this article about giving up tenure for happiness. As with everything else in this world, it’s not for everyone. But whatever rocks your boat, as they say. And mine? I’m not sure yet, but I’m not sweating it anymore. Let’s just say it can be tiring to ask the universe a lot of questions. I’m not waiting for visions now or anything; I’m just trying not to take myself too seriously. Believe me, that has been a struggle. So, for now, I won’t wonder how I’m going to live my life in the next ten years going forward. I’ll just worry about how I’ll get to the mall this Sunday. Because I could really use some window shopping or maybe even a movie inside an actual moviehouse.