From the Bottom of My Broken Brain (a.k.a. Deep Thoughts)

 

So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you

Tori Amos (from Silent All These Years)

What makes a person shallow? What makes another "malalim"? I ask because a dear friend of mine gave me a testimonial describing me simply as "malalim na tao."  I'm not playing stupid. I know what she means, and why some people might think so, too. I was browsing profiles of my friends in these social networking sites, and someone described herself as "seriously serious." I flinched a bit. I can use that, too. The last time I visited cortez' site (I think he may be the first person to find me here at i.ph), there's something there about me being a "profound thinker." Darn, this is my nth attempt at maintaining a blog and I still can't hide that side of me. Can't I be that cool, funny, gregarious girl for a change? Can't I pretend to be a happy-go-lucky, antithesis of the no-nonsense persona I seem to be exuding in real life? Geez, I really am boring, hehe [eyes rolling over (thanks, onyxx, for this idea)] .

I was at a meeting today, and again I found myself sitting there with my mind wandering someplace else. It was as if my brain sometimes works overtime. Not really, who am I kidding? I was thinking of what's to write tonight for my blog. I was never the type who's compelled to talk, to raise my thoughts, or to offer insights that mean to blow everybody away with my brilliance. That's why when I sit at a meeting, I gather info and I try to listen. You'll always find me immaculately sitting at some corner, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Digesting the agenda would come later. There's always the e-mail facility to raise some concerns after. Postscripts are not taboo, at least where I work. I'm not saying this is the better way to do it. It's not, if you'll ask me. That's why I can't imagine myself at an administrative position. There's way too much practicality required that's bad for my emotionality.

So maybe I don't smile a lot with my upper and lower gums all flashing. Maybe I don't allow myself to laugh with my mouth wide open you can see my throat, or so loud you can hear me gaggling from the next building. Maybe I read books some people find boring. Or I maybe I do smash the shuttlecock or hit a tennis ball to the net with just a minor "Ay!" escaping. That's just me. It doesn't mean I scoff at people who do the opposite.  

I intended this blog to be a repository of stories. A lot of times, they will be mine. Part of the reason why I love blogging is because I don't like talking for extended periods. By that I mean more than 2 minutes at a time. I may be sharing these stories with friends, but never in the same form you'll find them here. This is my space, my domain. Here I can go as deep as I want to be without compromising the time of possibly less kindered spirits.  

Apropos, this is something I've written on a blog that I've deleted. I thought I may post here, just because.

Shallow and Deep

That's life to me now. I have a few thoughts on life, on love, on being happy, on being alone, on friendships, on virtue, on evil and good. The list goes on. Ok, I have a lot of thoughts about those things. I'm not going to bore you with them.

I wanna let you in on a secret… I am heartbroken. Because I realized that everything in life is a matter of choice. Nothing is absolute [Well, maybe God is. But that's a different story.]. Over things that happen by chance, by accident, by uncontrollable circumstance, we always have the choice between moving on and sulking up. Ergo, the freedom to decide what to make of your life. It seems to me that it all goes back to the uncanny connection between the mind and the heart. I don't think we'll ever realize which works better when they don't quite see eye to eye [for lack of a better term]. And by better i mean what would serve to make us happy, not necessarily right. It could have been a lot easier if we can see plain and clear the path where happiness lies. But then I heard even that is a relative term. Oh, crap!

These past few days, I have been discussing with a friend a lot of my idealisms. Things that I want for myself. Things that I am willing to give up and those that I think i'd spend a lot of my life searching for. Yes, I share your pity for my listener. For these things are not that easy to digest. Even to me, sometimes, they sort of leave a bad taste in the mouth. This is when I think of deep. Someone told me I am somewhat like that. I kind of agree. That's why i think maybe i'm shallow.

I feel old sometimes. Especially whenever I fail to laugh at a simple joke. But then, sometimes, when a clear blue sky would make me feel light and, well, happy, i feel young. When a cold wind and a few drops of rain would remind me of a lot of good things behind me, i feel reconnected with the world. I remember I am just a girl. I don't run the universe. I don't have to worry that much.

I think perhaps I am both shallow and deep. I was sort of hoping that would keep me grounded, leveled. And maybe in time both parts of me would lead me to a better understanding of, well, a lot of things i don't understand and those that i continue to misunderstand [for lack of a better description].

 

Whoa, enough of this now! Someday, I'll write something funny. One of these days, I'll try to make you laugh. I love the odds of that.